Respect – How?

I have a dear friend who has come to a place in her marriage where she not only knows that she should respect her husband, but she also really wants to. She decided that she was going to step out of her ‘safety net’ and bow before her king, aligning herself beneath his headship. If you’ve never dared to do this, and I mean REALLY do this from the heart - not in mere outward action, then you may know the fear and trembling that was in her. She was absolutely CERTAIN that she would be unleashing a tyrant, a power-hungry dictator who would then walk all over her; she was SURE that by surrendering herself to her husband that she was absolutely nuts (and most today would have agreed). But, she did it anyway.

After she took only ONE initial step to demonstrate her genuine respect and reverence for her husband, she was absolutely astounded to be able to see for the first time ever that her Beloved earnestly desired from the first to love and cherish and adore her… but she had not been in a place to receive it for she had removed herself from the cover of his headship; she had refused to stand in a place where she could receive his love and care for her.

Her account of this experience has reminded me of a couple things:

“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” – Luke 9: 23-24

In order for my sweet friend to enter into the beginnings of a glorious marriage, she had to deny herself. She was so afraid of respecting her man, for fear he would trounce on her, that it really was an act of ‘losing herself’ in order to find what she was looking for; if she had tried to preserve her own will and desire, she would never have found the abundance of love her husband had for her. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

“Hearing you will hear and shall not understand, and seeing you will see and not perceive… but blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear” – Matthew 13:14, 16

My friend had heard that the right thing to do was really respect her husband, to wholly honor him. However, until she stepped out into the unknown she couldn’t see the beauty of a marriage in right order. Though she had heard, she could not understand until she chose to blindly walk in obedience – then her blind eyes were opened and she received sight! Incredible!

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The “how’s” of respect will vary in each marriage. If I were to tell you the things I do and you were to try and emulate them, they probably would not work. The carpenter is a one-of-a-kind man, and the things he recognizes as respectful may be meaningless to your husband. However, there is one thing that I feel is a foundational key to respect and honor and, yes, even that misunderstood word, submission.

The Words You Speak

“She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness” – Proverbs 31:26

I have been reading through Proverbs of late and I am absolutely astounded at how many verses give reference to our speech! When I take heed and pay attention to the words that come out of my mouth, making sure they are life giving and edifying, I am amazed at how much more peaceful my home and heart are. How true that “your own soul is nourished when you are kind, but you destroy yourself when you are cruel.” (Proverbs 11:17) Yet, I am often appalled at how easy it is to say cutting, destructive remarks. How often my silent prayer is, “Lord! Help me to be ‘swift to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry!’ (James 1:19)”

You know how easy it is to casually tell a ‘funny’ story about a mistake your husband has made, even if it was years ago. You know how quickly conversation among women turns to revealing minor (and major) faults and flaws in their husbands. These things should not be! And how swift we are to give ‘helpful’ suggestions to our husbands regarding what they do, how they act, the choices they make. If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to admit that your ‘helpfulness’ isn’t anything more than mere nagging – and you wonder why your husband acts annoyed (Proverbs 19:13).

Each person will be called on to give an account for “every idle word” they speak (Matthew 12:33-37). That knowledge is enough to make me want to take a vow of silence! However, that wouldn’t be wholly profitable in the end. Instead, I need to call on the Lord and yield to His workings in my life. I need to daily “set my affections on things above (Colossians 3:2)” and seek wisdom that is from above (James 3:17-18). “If anyone does not stumble in word he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.” (James 3:2 – indeed, read the whole chapter!)

Obviously, the words we speak affect each and every area of our life. I, as a wife, want to speak words of life to my husband. I want to be a joy and a crown to him, not sapping his strength (Proverbs 12:4 NLT). I want to obtain and keep his trust (Proverbs 31:11). I don’t want to be a fool, “venting all my feelings” but rather I want to be found wise, able to “hold my feelings back” (Proverbs 29:11).

So, I encourage you to take heed to the words that come out of your mouth. Are they a source of life, or is death and destruction in your tongue? I challenge you to not speak an unkind, harsh, or negative word to or about your man. Try it even for only a day or two. Check the words before they leave your tongue; if it is not profitable, don’t say it. You may find that you end up often silent – but that is better than tearing down your ‘house’ (your marriage) with your own ‘two hands.’ Guard your mouth and tongue and thereby keep your soul from trouble (Proverbs 21:23)

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Back to my dear friend: She is new to this “bridling of her tongue.” How easy it is to slip into old, familiar habits! If you are used to heedlessly giving voice to every thought that enters your head, this will indeed be a difficult change. My friend, though she has had her share of blunders, has not hardened her heart. She is able to recognize when the words she has spoken have been anything but respectful and she has humbled herself and asked for forgiveness from her husband. That, to me, is beautiful to see. She is giving one of the greatest gifts to her children – a home where Daddy and Mommy love and respect each other. When I hear about and see the change in her I see something majestic and stately: “There are three things which are majestic in pace, yes four which are stately in walk: … a king whose troops are with him.” – Proverbs 30:29-31

Are you with your man?